I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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