chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
