I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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