im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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