His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
