Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
