if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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