This is not my ceiling
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize