Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
