Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
