your parents love me but you hate me
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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