using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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