Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
