I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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