I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
