he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
