I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
