I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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