Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
