I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
