today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
