oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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