we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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