When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
