Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
