i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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