mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
