I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He shit in the fireplace
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