Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
