Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
