i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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