Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize