you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize