did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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