How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
