her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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