I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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