The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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