Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
