Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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