god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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