Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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