i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
