how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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