I skipped work to stalk him.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize