my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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