I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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