Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
