Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
They took my balls.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
