i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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