my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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