Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
