Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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