It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dignity is for republicans.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
