He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
