Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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