sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
